On my own
I learned that if you want to achieve your dreams, you’re going to have to walk alone sometimes and you’re going to have to get used to people doubting you. Unfortunately, that may even mean your own family and friends.
It’s sad in a sense because they are the people you would expect to support you the most. Obviously they only want the best for you, but who’s to say that their way is the best way for yourself? Finding your place in the world means finding your own path. Your family and friends can only guide you a certain way but it’s ultimately up to you to figure your life out.
“You can’t go into thinking that those who judge you are always right. Do not let anyone define you.”
- Mickey Drexler, CEO of J.Crew
Things are weird but that’s only temporary
I feel like a weight that I’ve been carrying around for 4 years has finally been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so much happier. I can’t let other’s opinions get in the way of my dreams. If you’re really passionate about something, success and happiness will come naturally.
Also, it’s the little unexpected gestures that really touch my heart. Yesterday I was having such a shitty morning but a friend of mine sent me a note that made my entire week. Just the fact that someone took the time out of their day to write me a letter really lifted up my spirits. It made me realize that there are good people out there that believe in you and that support your dreams. Another thing, a friend who takes time out of their day to talk to you no matter what time it is, no matter what they’re doing, a friend that makes you laugh when you’re feeling down, a friend that wants to help you get through your struggle - is a great friend to keep. Keep them close to your heart and cherish them.
The past few days have been a different kind of hell for me. I sat on my bed wondering if all of this is going to lead to something great in the future. Right now that’s all I have to hope for…But sometimes I think hope won’t help put money in your pocket and food on the table. Sometimes hope can’t repair a relationship that you have with your family and sometimes hope can only take you so far before you snap.
The reality of the real world is hitting me hard. Despite the fact that I finally spoke my mind about a certain issue that’s been bothering me for years, I’ve never felt more alone, trapped, and helpless in my life. But you have to keep hoping right? That someday all of this will make sense, that someday your life will turn around and that someday you’ll be proud of all of this. Because when you’re left with nothing, hope is all you have left…Right?
Talking about my ‘future’ stresses me out
Mostly because I feel like I don’t have one, one that I really want for myself anyway. I know it’s the typical story of doing what you want vs. doing what you have to do but I guess I just don’t want to be that typical person, I don’t want to be another ‘percentage’. My parents just say that I’m being stubborn and that I need to let go of my pride but I don’t want to be another person living their life for others, having a job they hate, going to an unhappy home..but sometimes you just have to put your desires aside and do what’s considered ‘right’, right?
I hate talking about myself when I meet new people. It’s not because I have low self esteem or that I feel like my life is uninteresting, it’s just that the conversation almost always goes to, “What are you planning to do with your life?” the answer is always, “I don’t know.” Actually, I know what I want to do, I’ve never been more sure of something in my life but I can’t do it because I have to be in the Medical field because I will be guaranteed a job and a good life. I can’t do it because my parents will be disappointed in me regardless of how successful I know I will be. I can’t do it because every time we talk about what I want, it’s World War III in our home and frankly it’s not worth it to me. It’s not worth fighting with my parents, who I know love me very much and just want the best for me, because we never get anywhere. Same shit, different day, same disappointments.
I don’t know where I’m going with this or why I’m writing about it now. I think I’m just stressed out because I’m starting to apply to Medical Imaging and Radiology schools and filling out these applications are a waste of time. Writing a personal statement about why I deserve a spot in their program, how I’m a very qualified person to be in their school, and how this is my life calling feels like a big fat lie to me. How am I supposed to convince people that this is what I love to do when I can’t even convince myself?
I keep telling myself that once I graduate and work a few years to yearn my own real money, I can go back to school doing what I actually love but when I think about how far away and how my goal seems unattainable…I hate to admit but sometimes I almost want to give up. My dream almost seems impossible. This sounds really bad but the thing that really drives me more to do what I love is succeeding and proving to my parents that I can actually make a life out of something that seems like ‘just a hobby’ to them. I want to be able to shove my success in their face to make them realize that this is my calling, this is what I was born to do.
I pride myself for being a patient person but damn, this is all starting to take a toll on me. I’m not going to give up though because that’s not who I am. Quitting is for losers and I still have so much to prove.
