MOONSTRUT

Talking about my ‘future’ stresses me out

Mostly because I feel like I don’t have one, one that I really want for myself anyway. I know it’s the typical story of doing what you want vs. doing what you have to do but I guess I just don’t want to be that typical person, I don’t want to be another ‘percentage’. My parents just say that I’m being stubborn and that I need to let go of my pride but I don’t want to be another person living their life for others, having a job they hate, going to an unhappy home..but sometimes you just have to put your desires aside and do what’s considered ‘right’, right?

I hate talking about myself when I meet new people. It’s not because I have low self esteem or that I feel like my life is uninteresting, it’s just that the conversation almost always goes to, “What are you planning to do with your life?” the answer is always, “I don’t know.” Actually, I know what I want to do, I’ve never been more sure of something in my life but I can’t do it because I have to be in the Medical field because I will be guaranteed a job and a good life. I can’t do it because my parents will be disappointed in me regardless of how successful I know I will be. I can’t do it because every time we talk about what I want, it’s World War III in our home and frankly it’s not worth it to me. It’s not worth fighting with my parents, who I know love me very much and just want the best for me, because we never get anywhere. Same shit, different day, same disappointments.

I don’t know where I’m going with this or why I’m writing about it now. I think I’m just stressed out because I’m starting to apply to Medical Imaging and Radiology schools and filling out these applications are a waste of time. Writing a personal statement about why I deserve a spot in their program, how I’m a very qualified person to be in their school, and how this is my life calling feels like a big fat lie to me. How am I supposed to convince people that this is what I love to do when I can’t even convince myself?

I keep telling myself that once I graduate and work a few years to yearn my own real money, I can go back to school doing what I actually love but when I think about how far away and how my goal seems unattainable…I hate to admit but sometimes I almost want to give up. My dream almost seems impossible. This sounds really bad but the thing that really drives me more to do what I love is succeeding and proving to my parents that I can actually make a life out of something that seems like ‘just a hobby’ to them. I want to be able to shove my success in their face to make them realize that this is my calling, this is what I was born to do.

I pride myself for being a patient person but damn, this is all starting to take a toll on me. I’m not going to give up though because that’s not who I am. Quitting is for losers and I still have so much to prove.