That’s how I’m feeling right now. I can’t even explain what I’m actually feeling so I apologize if this post is a bit haphazard.

When I say not many people can handle me, I’m not just saying shit like that to say shit, I mean it. I think too much, I can get emotional, I’m really weird, I’m neurotic, I’m hesitant, I’m scared, I’m a lot of things that I can’t even understand myself and I hate it. I’m not a control freak but when it comes to my emotions I want to have as much control over them as possible. So when something, or someone, comes along and turns me upside dow unexpectedly (good or bad) - I freak the fuck out. I start to over analyze things when I should just go with the flow, I start to think about the negatives when I should focus on the positives. I don’t know why I do this, maybe it’s just my sick way of protecting myself? To see who actually wants to get to know me, who actually likes me for who I am. Who knows but I’m trying so hard to change it.

I guess that’s what happens when you get fucked over a lot but I’m not going to blame those people entirely because it’s just as much my fault for letting them get to me. And I get mad at myself for letting people have so much control over me. I think that’s why when a situation goes bad, even if it’s not my fault, I blame myself for it. Because I let myself get to that level, because I let people get to my head, because I let myself get so emotional. I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself when I shouldn’t be, when I know I don’t deserve it. Does that make sense? Because it doesn’t to me but that’s just how it is sometimes.

I think I write better than I speak but even when I write I feel like I can’t get everything out. I wish I could easily express my emotions like other (normal) people can. I think that’s why I bottle a lot of things up because when I try to say what’s on my mind and what I’m actually feeling, it doesn’t make sense. When people want to “talk it out and clear the air” for some reason I just can’t get everything across that I want to. I think that’s why I like to help people out more than people helping me, it’s always easier helping other people so you don’t have to deal with your own shit. I guess I also like the feeling of people needing me and I love helping people out without anything in return. I like knowing that I helped someone out and that I actually helped fix something and that I helped better someone’s life. But at the same time I don’t like people who are too dependent on me because I feel suffocated and then I blame myself again if I can’t help them. That doesn’t even make sense at all. I wish I could help myself out though and I really hate to admit it but sometimes I wish there was someone who can help me too, someone who can understand me…But then I hate that feeling of depending someone else to make me happy because they have control over my feelings again.

I like to think things through and then say what’s on my mind. I don’t say things or pull things out of my ass just to talk, I mean everything I say. I don’t speak unless I feel like I have something important to say or when I feel like it’s necessary. It probably doesn’t make sense because I just wrote a shit load of run on sentences about how I can’t fully express how I’m really feeling deep inside but if this makes any sense at all, the things that I can express, are truthful.

I had a good friend tell me that I’m just being guarded and that I need to loosen up. He said that I’m pushing people away, even the good ones. That I need to take a chance and that I shouldn’t question what happens and just be happy. “You just need to unwind and get laid.” Oh how right you are Rob. I love your bluntness. 

I’m sorry but this is who I am. If you can’t understand me, I don’t blame you because I can’t even understand myself.